Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive

"You're collaborative and approachable. But you need to be more assertive to move to the next level."

I still remember how that feedback landed.

It wasn't negative. But it felt like a puzzle I didn't have the instruction manual for.

When Assertiveness Felt Like a Style Mismatch

When I was told that my lack of assertiveness was a key blocker to my promotion to Senior Manager, I felt frustrated—and honestly uncertain.

I had built my leadership style around collaboration, openness, and trust. People felt comfortable bringing ideas and challenges to me. I believed deeply in collective intelligence and thoughtful decision-making.

And suddenly, it felt like those strengths were being interpreted as hesitation.

I didn't want to become someone who dominated conversations. I didn't want to sound aggressive or dismissive. But I also didn't want to be overlooked.

For a while, I tried to "turn up" assertiveness in ways that didn't feel natural. Sometimes I overcorrected and felt stiff. Other times I pulled back and worried I was still being seen as too soft.

The Same Confusion, Again and Again

Years later, this topic kept resurfacing in my coaching work.

In women-in-tech forums, I heard it during panels and breakout discussions. In 1:1 coaching sessions, I heard it in quiet, vulnerable conversations.

"My feedback says I need stronger executive presence. "I don't want to sound aggressive, but I want to be taken seriously." "How assertive is assertive enough?"

The pattern was strikingly familiar. Women were trying to decode an unwritten leadership code—one often shaped by male-dominated norms.

Assertive Without Aggressive

Assertiveness builds trust, direction, and credibility. People feel safer following leaders who communicate with clarity and conviction.

But assertiveness does not require:

• Talking over others

• Forcing decisions

• Suppressing collaboration

You can be decisive and inclusive. You can be confident and thoughtful. You can influence strongly without being aggressive.

Tuning Assertiveness by Context

Over time, I realized assertiveness is not a one-size-fits-all behavior—it's something you can intentionally adjust depending on context.

• With your team, I dial my assertiveness down to create space for collaboration and psychological safety.

• With peers and partners, I tune it toward alignment—clear on direction while inviting shared ownership.

• With executive and senior stakeholders, I dial it up with concise, decisive communication to signal confidence in my team and our strategy.

Assertiveness is a tool. The impact comes from how you use it.

My Message to Female Leaders

You don't need to copy a single leadership prototype. You don't need to keep your assertiveness permanently "on high."

You get to tune it—by context, by audience, by intention.

As a coach, my mission is to help female leaders build an assertiveness style that is effective, flexible, and grounded—being assertive without being aggressive, and influential without losing connection.